But God.

since june of this year, something has been stirring within me. with each day, i become less and less satisfied with the routine that i have created and know so well. each day, i find myself longing for something deeper, something more gutsy, something more authentic. each day, i am less enamored with stuff and more passionate about people. i’m not planning on going maverick/hippy/jpusa/shane claiborne just yet…but i know this: a change is gonna come. and i’m ready.

i have been a part of several experiences since june that make me more disgusted with the things that i (and many other americans) relentlessly chase after;the luster of stuff has faded.

it’s not that i don’t enjoy my iPhone or my jetta or my chai lattes from starbucks. i enjoy them thoroughly. but i don’t care about them anymore. 27 million girls–women just like me or my little sister brooklyn–are victims of human trafficking. honestly, the only appropriate response to this atrocity that i can find is this: But God.

although i have never been a victim of human trafficking nor have i suffered anything nearly as traumatic, i have felt completely, 100% hopeless. i have made horrible mistakes and abused the grace of God and others. i have hurt people i love. i have intentionally ignored broken people. i have found myself in places i never should have been in with people i never should have been with. i have wished that i wasn’t alive (more than once). i have wanted to walk away from everything and everyone. i have believed that i would only be okay if i could escape my mind. i have felt like God, my family, and my friends didn’t care about me. i have been in a deep, slippery, messy, unscalable pit. i have been completely and utterly lost.

But that’s not all.

i have also been found. i have also been rescued. i have also been redeemed. i have also been made whole. i have also been forgiven. i have experienced restoration. i have been filled with a deep hope. i have been given a reason to live and live abundantly. i have been the recipient of grace. i have been assured that i am accepted. i have been assured that i am unconditionally loved. i have been brought out of the pit. i have been pulled out of the miry clay. i have been released. i am free.

being reminded of what God has done for me and hearing about the millions of women around my city, nation, and world who are physically, emotionally/mentally, and spiritually in bondage has become more than a situation for a tear at a women’s retreat.

the hope that the ‘But God’ in my life can become millions of ‘But Gods’ in the lives of women around the world now consumes me. it has become my cause. it may not be my only cause. but it is my first cause.

i don’t know what it means exactly, but what i do know is that it means that i no longer can go about my materialistic, obsessed with vocational success american life. i know society tells me that what i should want is a husband, 2.5 kids, no debt, and a good car. i actually do want those things, but that’s not all i want anymore. that is not the zenith of my dreams.

i don’t know where, when, or how. i have no idea what everything means. for the first time in my life, i have a cause that breaks my heart multiple times per day. i will not take it lightly. i’m used to planning everything out perfectly and i’m used to knowing exactly where my life is heading.

i have no plans and no idea where i am headed. i would fear. i would have anxiety. i would run back to what i know and saturate myself in a drive for success and stuff. But God.

i will dream. i will hope. i will strategize. i will be still. i will listen. if i listen closely enough, i can hear sam cooke singing…. “it’s been a long..long time comin’…but i know….a change gunna come…”

often, i fear that the sum total of my life will be defined by one word: if

If is a terrifying word to a non-commitalist (new word!) like me. because on the other side of  if is a commitment. Example: “If you are good this year, santa claus will bring you a lot of presents!”. crap. this means that in order to get a boatload of trinkets from a creepy guy that slides down my chimney, (which is somehow desirable at the age of 4) , i have to commit to an entire year’s worth of good behavior. the ‘if’ statements get more and more loaded as time goes on..”if you promise to be careful, you can do this or that”, or “if you take these classes and get these grades, you can graduate from college and get a good job”, or “if you promise to love me and only me, you can have a partner for life…”

most good things are proceeded by if. because most of the time, the best things require commitment. the problem becomes when ‘if’ is imagined instead of lived. i fear that in many situations in my life, i imagine if instead of act on if. while i love the fact that i am an abstract, futuristic thinker, i sometimes fear that i am getting caught in my own daydreaming and not enough in my action.

i don’t want to be 80, 50, or even 35 and say “IF i would’ve taken that step”, “IF i would’ve applied for that job”, “IF i would’ve saved that money”, “IF i would’ve started working out”, “IF i would’ve believed in myself a little more” “IF i would’ve prayed about that”, “IF i would’ve fasted..”….i don’t want to get caught up waiting for st. patrick’s day for years and years. i don’t want to continue to delay the necessary.

i want to embrace all that life is, which i think i do a good job of on some accounts. but for too long, i have been a casual observer of life– always making excuses. “oh yeah, I would totally try that IF….”. I am finally getting to a place where some of those IF statements are transitioning from IF to When, and from When to NOW. How long can i sit idly and hope that things in my life–my mental, spiritual, emotional, and physical self–become stronger, more passionate, and more whole?

it is my belief that i was designed by a loving Creator who wants me to live my life to the fullest NOW. it is my belief that i have experienced joy and sorrow so that i may embrace experiences with a NOW mentality, but figuring out how to practically do so is usually next to impossible for me .

recently a friend reminded me that one of the names of God is “I AM”.  the very thought of that brings me to a deeply emotional place–While God is certainly the God of the past and future (i don’t have to worry about what i’ve done or what will happen–i can trust), He is I AM. He is here now. He is with me now. He is enabling me now. i don’t have to wait for ideal conditions to experience life change to the fullest–because The I AM is with me here, now. The I AM is giving me grace in this very moment, to make the first step; i can rest in the knowledge that i don’t have to fight my own current battles. i have a loving, warrior God who has already fought for me and won–i can breathe in the present, and i can embrace change, improvement, and discipline NOW.

instead of delaying the inevitable and waiting for IF to define my life, i’m going to consciously let  I AM define my life….now. afterall, journeys of a thousand miles begin with one step. ♣

Dear John: kiss me. i'm irish.

mirrors are pesky things–usually all that is visible is behind. when i look at a mirror in my car, i see the chaos behind me. often i get focused on what is going on behind and almost slam into the car in front of me .

every once in awhile, re-experiencing something that is behind me is pleasant, simply because i experience it with something powerful: hindsight.

there is nothing quite like observing a shard of  past personal brokenness and realizing: that shard doesn’t cut me anymore.

tonight, looking in the mirror was cause for worship. tonight, wearing the glasses of hindsight stirred up words of thanksgiving.  instead of  analyzing every misstep, counting every loss, and chastising myself, i remembered what it felt like to have a loving, powerful God carry me out of a deep,miry pit. and i was humbled. and i couldn’t help but get in my car and utter an audible “thank You for saving me from that”.  and i am honored that mercy fought for my attention. and i am joyful that the shards of this mirror  are dull and can lacerate my skin no more.

“When only Love could make a way….”

all that has happened in the last 10 years.

all that hasn’t.

all that i wish would’ve happened differently.

all that i’m glad didn’t.

i think that entering a new decade is interesting for many people, but for someone like me who is super high “N” (Myers-Briggs reference #1), it is a period of monumental contemplation. i could focus on many things, and my tendency might be to focus on what i don’t have, but tonight i am choosing to focus on the gifts my 20s have brought me.  Pastor Peter often talks about making “thanksgiving lists”…i always mean to make lists of what i’m thankful for, but never find the time to do it. so this is a ’20s thanksgiving list’…it’s not all inclusive and it’s not in any order, but i’m writing it out because i need to focus on it tonight, as i embark on  an unknown decade and place in life.

as i think about my 20s, each year evokes a different emotion, memory, or thought…

20-jessie, big breakup, divine providence, alesha, heidi, best year of college!

21-finding my way

22-it’s beginning to break

23-a deep connection, it broke…again, difficulty,  my proudest moment: graduating college!

24-empty nest

25-fell in love with higher education, loved life

26-substance church–changed my life

27- master’s degree, first ‘real’ job…fell in love with higher ed again.

28-lost

29-found!

my 20s have been very good. they’ve also been very difficult. however, when i think about what i’ve gained, i can’t only think of the good. because great gain is found in loss. i believe that even in difficulty, thankfulness is to be given. many of the items on my ‘thankful’ list are the results of deep pain, but they are also a testimony to the restitution of Christ.

1. two sisters. still. (and soon to be 2 brother in laws )

2. an education that exceeds that of 99.9% of the world

3. a church that has restored my lost faith in “the church”

4. a working acceptance toward the truth that i am forgiven

5. a passion that inspires me to care, invest in, and enjoy my job

6. deep friendships where i am known the best and loved the most

7. a stark realization that i am loved deeply by Jesus Christ and i have done nothing to deserve or earn it

8. a tenacious familial resilience

9. a dusty view of poverty and hope

10. peace. joy. love. patience. gentleness. goodness. kindness. faithfulness. self-control.

“….In Christ, God leads us from place to place in one perpetual victory parade…..” (2 cor 2:14, MSG).

Thankful for being led. from place to place. in perpetual, never-ceasing victory. or another version might say, “Thanks be to God, who always causes us to triumph!”….

always. no matter how sorrowful the night or how foggy the mourning.

joy comes. eventually.

i love my 20s. in my mind, they will always be seen as a decade of change–some great, some horrific. i love them.

i will always hold them dear to my heart, and i will always believe this: the best is yet to come. and the 20s–their joys, their pitfalls, have led me to this place. for this time.

30. from place to place…in a perpetual victory parade.

goodbye 29. it’s a new day. a new decade. a new place.

welcome, 30.

1) how many times your 8 month old rolled over, what your 2 year old said, or the craziness of your 6 year old. basically anything to do with the activities of children.

2) your slanted, biased, idiotic political banter. i don’t care how obama is destroying the world or how much of a jackass you think Rush Limbaugh is. it’s facebook, dude. if you want to make a political statement make it at a worthwile forum.

3) how much you <3 your boyfriend! like OMG. no. seriously. o. m.g.. in 2 months, you’ll be telling us all how much you “h8 him!”.

4) how many activities you carted your kids around to throughout the course of the day.

5) what happened in the middle school lunch room or the high school locker room.

6) whatever  ’cause’ or ‘exhortation’ you have copy and pasted into your update box. (e.g., “i love my daughter”, or “let’s join together in the fight against toe cancer”) yeah, really genuine and action oriented. you copy and pasted. good job.

7) how many times a day you ‘tweet’

8 ) your particular brand of ‘self-loathing’…(e.g. “failed again”, “always messes this up” “doesn’t know what to do”…)

9) the complete lyrics to any song…particularly, any song like “how great is our god”

10) your self-aggrandizement. wait. no..i like this one..

11) how many people were in attendance at any particular event that you led

12) your prayers. especially elongated prayers.

13) how tired/bored/angry/irritated/frustrated you are. face it, my friend. most of us have at least one of these emotions at some point in the day. you don’t need to tell us when you’re having yours.

14) anything overly-personal. details would be….well….overly-personal

15) any drama having to do with any animal you may or may not own.

16) any meaningless hobby that you are fixated on. i don’t care how your petunias look.

17) how happy! you are that you have connected with high school buddies that you haven’t talked to in 17 years…

18) how depressed you are that the weekend is over//how much you are looking forward to the weekend. duh.

19) if you prefer edward or jacob…or mr. darcy

20) did i mention anything having to do with your kids?

that’s actually the lesson of the last 6-7 months of my life: it’s not too late to correct this mistake. it’s this lesson that on this very night, may 5th, is giving me hope for the last half of the last year of my 20s.

there are many things in my past that i cannot correct; they have come and gone, and i messed up. and that’s that. thankfully, there are some things that i can rectify–there are certain parts of my life that have been suppressed that need to be released and certain parts of me that have been running amuck for years. the beauty of my life, right now is this: i don’t have to suppress, and the wild cattle in my life can be corralled.

it’s not too late to correct this mistake.

since my last post, things have gone completely whacky. i could have never (there it is again) predicted the things that have gone on in my life since last October (sometimes, foresight would be terribly frightening). without being dramatic, i would say that these last 7 months have probably been the most difficult in my whole life (i will say that they have been a different kind of ‘difficult’ from the other happenings in my life that i would categorize as ‘difficult’) . i have done a lot of mind and soul searching. i have cried a little, yelled a lot, and deliberated for hours and hours. no doubt–these last 7 months have been heavy.

essentially no one reading this blog (how audacious of me to think someone is reading) will get this, but tonight is an ending (of sorts) to the difficulty of the last 7 months. there are plenty of things that i could say , but the only thing i will say is this: thank God that it was not too late to correct this mistake, this stupidity, this missed opportunity. even though tonight is an ending of some type, it’s actually a beginning to life. it’s a bold step into my unknown: dealing with things as they surface and not being afraid to talk, or in some cases, listen. i am so glad that it’s not too late. as 30 quickly approaches (yikes!), i have figured some things out. i know full well that i don’t have everything figured out (or, even like 35% of things), but i know this: i will be healthier when i turn 30 than i was when i turned 29. hopefully, this pattern will continue, and every year i will be able to look back and say “well this year had some good, some bad, but dammit, i learned a lot. it was fun”. i think that’s as maslow-like as i’m going to get. that’s my self actualization.

tonight, i am filled with many emotions. there are many to pick from, but i would cite hope as the prevailing feeling. i might not be “full of hope” (it sounds so cheery, but it’s just not me…), but i have a measure of hope. i am choosing hope over fear, sadness, frustration, regret, or even denial (imagine that!).  tomorrow, i might cite a different feeling (perhaps one that starts with ‘f ‘ and ends with ‘uck my life’). tonight, i choose hope.

it’s beautiful to know this: it’s not too late to correct this mistake. i hope that i live the rest of my life addressing things as they arise, knowing when it’s not too late to change something, and having the ability to know it and release it when it is. it’s the “wisdom to know the difference” that makes all the difference. some things i will accept. some things i will change. in all things, i will hold on. with hope.

Lamentations 3….

¹⁶ He has made me chew on gravel.

He has rolled me in the dust.

¹⁷ Peace has been stripped away,
and I have forgotten what prosperity is.
¹⁸ I cry out, “My splendor is gone!
Everything I had hoped for from the Lord is lost!”

¹⁹ The thought of my suffering and homelessness
is bitter beyond words.^[a]
20 I will never forget this awful time,
as I grieve over my loss.
²¹ Yet I still dare to hope
when I remember this:

²² The faithful love of the Lord never ends!^[b]
His mercies never cease.
²³ Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.
²⁴ I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
therefore, I will hope in him!”

-t. horne

this past weekend, i have been reflecting on the relationships that i have. i have a wide array of friends, with diverse interests and personalities. yet, the majority of these friends add a great dimension to my life that would otherwise cease to exist. today at church, i heard several statistics about chances for diseases like cancer and health ailments like heart attack and stroke are directly related to the amount of intimate friends that one has (for those stats fans that may be reading, there is a negative correlation here..i.e., as # of friends goes up, likelihood of stroke or cancer goes down).

i am so blessed to have real friends. authentic friends. gritty friends. honest friends. friends that accept me for me but love me too much to let me stay in my current state of processing, analyzing, and often times, frustration.

i have had so many god-conversations and holy moments with friends in the past few weeks. sometimes these holy moments are obvious, other times they are not. the conversation isn’t necessarily centered around faith or spirituality–rather, the conversation is centered around growth, development–becoming who God made us to be.

there is nothing like a god-conversation or holy moment with a friend. i think of my life and the people that have challenged me the most and spurred me on to change have not been pastors, teachers, or bosses….they have been friends who know me, love me, go through the crap with me. they are people who love me as i am but believe me to be much more–they get in my face, yell at me, cry with me, and teach me to stop being foolish, self-centered, and small minded.

wow, where would i be without my friends? I would be isolated, lonely, bitter, jealous, angry, and probably much more selfish than i currently am. I love that God has loved me enough to give me life through relationship.

Jean de La Fontaine said, “where true love is rare, true friendship is rarer”. In The 4 Loves, C.S. Lewis says that friendship is the strongest love because it is the most unnatural. It’s natural to love a brother or a lover, but to love another person who  is imperfect and surly without any tangible benefit takes selfless work.

my life is because i have life-giving people that i “do” life with. don’t get it twisted, i yell at them too when need be.

how blessed i am to have several quality general friends, to have 5-8 friends that i can be myself with, to have 3-4 friends that really know me and challenge me, and to have 2 friends who know my soul without me telling them.

God–you must really love me! wow!

so thankful for life through relationship..it’s messy, sometimes hurtful, often hilarious, always interesting. investing in other people will drive you nuts, but it’s worth it.

peace,

tabi

Worlds Apart by: Jars of Clary

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you – take my world apart
To need you – I am on my knees
To love you – take my world apart
To need you – broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

[Additional lyrics:]

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can’t deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

the above lyrics are some of the most challenging words that i have ever read. the first time i heard this song, i was at a youth camp service in pennsylvania. the speaker (who i didn’t-and still don’t–particularly care for) loved it, spoke about it, and played it over and over for about an hour. the lyrics to this song have always been meaningful, convicting, and thought provoking for me. yet there are times in my life when they mean more to me.

this time in my life is one of those times. these lyrics capture the essence of my emotions and thoughts right now. i believe that my life should be much more than what it is–i don’t know if everyone has that feeling or not. i think it’s pretty common. but maybe i’m wrong. anyway, i know there are things about my life that i expected at 29 that i don’t currently possess–but for the most part (and this may be arguable), many of those things are out of my control.

however. many of the aspects of my life that i dislike are things that i can control but have chosen not to. there are many specific things that i could confess here, but it all boils down to this: i have chosen apathy over passion.

while i would like to blame and divert attention to a plethora of happenings and people that have contributed to my apathy, it really boils down to this: i am the only one to blame for this.

i can’t look at the missing links in my life and point my finger at a person that wronged me 15 years ago, or a situation that didn’t turn out the way that i had hoped. wounds inflicted by others my be real and they may be deep, but they can’t remain open forever. if they do, the only one to blame is oneself. to use a really corny analogy, when i get a papercut (which i do suprisingly often), it hurts, but then after a day or two, it heals itself. i may be able to see it on my finger for a while, but it is healed. there may be times when additional support (medical personnel, special medicine, etc) is needed. when that situation arises…i get it taken care of. i don’t walk around for months at a time with blood gushing from my body. i go where i need to go for restoration.

for some reason, the emotional/mental aspect of our lives is not cared for in the same way. i may be hurt emotionally (“i’ve got hurt feelings…i’ve got hurt feelings”- f.o.t.c.), but i cover it up and move on without really letting it heal. this leads to disapointment, resentment, unforgiveness, and ultimately, apathy. for me at least.

i am on a quest to figure out what i need to do in order to enjoy my life. i want to figure out what will incite passion in my life. for the past 6-9 months, i’ve really been in a weird state where i have not really enjoyed my life–it’s been one stressful/hurtful/disappointing situation after another. my quest to grab 29 by the ‘hornes’ ultimately leads me to grapple with this issue.

the only way that i know how to change this is to begin some serious self exploration (therapy?). what do i love? what ignites the passion that is buried so deeply inside me? i feel weird, being 29 and not knowing what i am passionate about or what i like. so many people my age and younger have something that they are incredibly passionate about. sometimes i feel as though i am just existing instead of living.

i am the only one to blame for this.

but.

god.

take my worlds apart.

tonight i was talking to my students about taking risks, assessing values, and curbing negative internal dialogue. i used myself as an example–and i told them how turning 29 has forced me to take inventory of my life and try to figure out who i am and what i want. i also told them that growing into yourself is a process–success is a process, not a pinnacle (was that insightful? if it was, i came up with it!). even though this is the first night of class, and undoubtedly, one or two of those students will end up in my office at some point having a come to jesus meeting with me, i am proud of the step that they have made towards bettering their future. i love that i get to be a part of that.

i am reading a book on leadership. the leadership idea from last week was that of ‘lids’…what kind of lids do i, as a leader, have that are prohibiting me from reaching my potential? i haven’t ever really been into the study of leadership until lately..but i’m kind of getting into it. leading is a big responsibility, and for an introvert like me, a tiring one. but i love it. even when i have days like yesterday and today. i think that’s when you know that you have discovered a life passion–when you can have hellish days and still smile about your job.

i’m building my list of things that i want to do before i’m 30. some of these goals are big, some are small. here’s a sampling….

1) take a cooking class

2) run 1 mile without stopping

3) take a salsa dancing lesson

ok, so that’s all i really have at this point–i’m debating whether or not i want to post all of them…but, since i’m confident that this blog is only read by me during the day when i’m bored at work (which isn’t often), i think candor is okay.

success is a process, not a pinnacle. maybe i’ll get that tattooed on my wrists. i like it. i guess i did have a point after all.

on days like this, i always miss my ‘biological’ family…they are so special to me, and sometimes its hard not celebrating with them.

on days like this, i truly believe that god sets the lonely in families. when i came to minnesota 10 years ago, i was more lonely than i had ever been. tonight, 10 years later, i am smack dab in the middle of a family. sometimes it’s still lonely. sometimes it’s annoying. but god. sets. the lonely. in families. there are people (4 to 6) that i share no genetic code with, but with whom i share a deep love and honesty. there is no gift, no level of achievement, no fame or price that can match that. i am overjoyed to have these people in my life, cheering me on, and yelling at me when necessary.

i’m making a list. of things i want to do by the time i’m 30. i’m going to live this last year of my 20s well–in as many ways as i can.

best part of my birthday: being with my people

worst part of my birthday: catching my hair on fire while trying to blow out my candles. seriously. pictures to follow.

hello 29. i’m gonna grab you by the “hornes”